I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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