I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
