Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
