I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
