3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
