I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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