coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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