you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
