I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
