I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
