It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
