Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
