your parents love me but you hate me
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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