apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
