I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
