Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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