Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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