I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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