): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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