The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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