I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
