the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
