woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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