I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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