Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
