I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
