Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Even my vagina gasped.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
