I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
