I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I looked at my own cervix.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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