I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
