I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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