We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
