My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Too much gin, very little bucket
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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