If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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