4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
actually, I'm a sock model
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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