I wish I only lived at night.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
