Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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