he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
