They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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