Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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