Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
