So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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