I could have mohawked her pubes.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just invented taco cereal.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
