Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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