I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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