There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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