i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
