new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
