I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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