Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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