Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
