sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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