I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
