I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize