Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
