You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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