I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
